


One More Troubled Soul

by wtf_is_frank_up_to



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Bad Parenting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kinda, M/M, Mutual Pining, New York City, Past Child Abuse, Runaway, Slow Burn, i'll try to be fun tho it won't be just angst, idk i'll add more later, they're heading to
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26935414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wtf_is_frank_up_to/pseuds/wtf_is_frank_up_to
Summary: (this fic is embodiment of "do something with your life that would make an old white man in 1950s angry" bc every character does it here)“We. We can’t stay at Welton. Neither of us. Maybe we can just. Run away and forget about all of this.”“Listen, if you’re saying it just to make me feel better then-”“No!”They both almost jumped. That was… unexpected, to say the least.“You... You’re turning eighteen in December, right? After that, he technically can’t stop you from going anywhere. We can leave Hellton and go anywhere. I’m-” he stopped for a second and looked Neil straight in the eyes “I’m dead serious. Let’s leave. Together.”“I-I mean! If you want. I just, thought. We don’t have any attachment to this place, besides the club, so-”“Let’s do it.”
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 48
Kudos: 76





	1. I Don't Know Where I'm Going But I Don't Think I'm Going Home

**Author's Note:**

> its my first not-one shot fic so please be merciful

Chapter 1  
I Don't Know Where I'm Going But I Don't Think I'm Going Home  
(Todd)

For a split second he thought Neil's dead.  
Well, okay, maybe not- that sure was a dramatic conclusion to draw right away. But if someone asked Todd back then if Neil was alive, he wouldn't be 100% sure.   
He doesn’t look dead, Todd thought, he looks not alive.   
As in- something that was not living human in the first place.   
He looked fragile. Easily breakable. The fact that it was freezing cold and he was almost blue did not make his porcelain looks any better.

Now Todd just had to be careful not to break him.  
“Neil?”  
Silence. What did he expect, honestly?  
“Neil…”

Carefulcarefulcarefulcareful

He was silently cursing at himself for not taking any gloves when he was leaving school, and he had to try really hard not to think about the fact that Mr Keating is still somewhere out there and doesn’t know what’s going on.   
“Neil, you’re going to freeze” seriously, great idea. As if Neil doesn’t know that. It’s probably why he’s sitting on this fucking windowsill in the first place. ITodd felt like the biggest idiot- like oh my-  
“Todd why- what are you doing here?”

Now it was Todd who froze in one place.

“I--um, I’m sorry, I just couldn’t stop thinking about what happened after the play and- and, uh. I wanted to make sure you, you’re okay. So I kind of. Made Keating drive me here. I just couldn not leave you here all by yourself. “  
Todd could almost feel the blush going up his neck and ears.   
“That’s… nice” just a whisper, so quiet it could easily get carried away by the wind and not make it to Todd’s ears. But it was enough for Todd to already feel less scared of being here.

“do you. Um. Want to, let me in…?”  
“Of co- of course”. Todd wanted to scream at how his best friend’s voice cracked. Best friend… maybe not the best word but that wasn’t a good thing to worry about right now. After a bit of struggling, both of them were inside Neil’s room.   
It looked… jarringly normal. 

It was a stark contrast to his room at home- the one he had to share with his brother, who obviously could make a mess, because geniuses are apparently allowed to make a mess. It also wasn’t so dead and the hotel looking like their rooms at Welton.   
Even though Neil’s parents were some kind of control freaks, Neil was clearly allowed to make his room his very own space. He had loads of books and music cassettes. There even ws a small dream catcher besides the window. Small, cramped, but comfy, was the best way to describe it. 

Amazing, how much you can tell about a person by their bedroom.

At the moment though, there were more important things to worry about.  
Todd’s hands were itching to do something to warm Neil, like give him a blanket he saw in the corner of his eye, or hold his hands so they’d stop looking so pale and dead. anything. but he wasn't sure he was allowed to do that… was their friendship level high enough for this? Was this allowed for him?   
He wished he had the confidence of Nuwanda. Charlie probably wouldn’t bat an eye, and he'd help his friend without thinking. 

But he had to do something for fuck’s sake-  
He forced himself to suck it up and, tho still feeling awkward, he picked up the comforter that was laying on the floor, and put it around Neil’s shoulders, closing him in a tiny blanket tent.   
He then sst them both on the floor, and, holding so that Neil could pull off at any moment, He took Neil’s hands in his own. 

“what happened back there?” quiet, as if he didn’t want to take more space in Neil’s mind.  
“You know. I- I didn’t have an actual permiss-permission to do this. But. Y’know, it didn’t. Seems to matter. It. To him it seemed like it was worse that I did something- something-”  
“Something against his vision of you….”  
“I thought if I. If I just showed him how much- how much it means. He would change his mind. He- but he- fuck!”

He took his hands out of Todd’s to bury his face in them. All the anger and hurt and sadness that was slowly boiling up inside him since that conversation with his father, all of that has] finally reached the temperature of one hundred degrees. The lid has fallen off, and so, for the first time in what had to be years, he let himself fully cry it all out. 

Todd never in his life had felt so helpless. He knew what it means to have parents who don’t give a shit. But he still had to deal with them. He didn’t do anything to not feel worthless because of them.   
Looked like the only thing he could do was simply give Neil comfort he craved, and which his shitty fucking parents couldn’t bother to provide.  
Carefully, to give Neil time to push him away, he put both arms around him, pulling him close. He could feel Neil’s hands dropping to his sides as he started moving his own up and down his spine, in - at least, in his mind- awkward attempts at soothing him. 

“Fo- for the record,” started Todd, trying his best to keep composure as his friend was trembling in his arms “I think you did great at the play. And- and i’m not the only one. You should- I hope you saw Keating’s face at the end. He looked so proud of you. He WAS so proud. And, and others were as well. Even Cameron looked impressed, and you know how. You know. He is.”

He really hated himself for keep stumbling over his own words.

“He wants me to leave Welton.”

Todd’s hands stopped in their tracks.  
“Oh.”  
“He- he doesn’t give a shit about me, does he.”  
That wasn’t a question.  
“I. I think he thought he wanted a son. But. What he really wanted was this- this- this perfectly mouldable… thing, that he can pour all of un- unfulfilled ambitions into. “

That’s just what happens when you’re trying- and failing- at raising a “good child” - thought Todd. He knew how it worked. He figured it out long ago. And all of the need to be a Good Child had to come back and hit Neil in the face at some point.   
Todd was almost angry at how Neil turned out because of all this pressure.

“But I- I’d rather die than throw all of this away. If I’d have to live being a doctor and everything he wants me to be. What kind of life is it at a-all?” Neil’s eyes welled up again, and he just shoved his face into Todd’s shoulder. He was straight up weeping at this point.   
Todd nodded. 

“We have to leave.”  
“Wha-”  
“We. We can’t stay at Welton. Neither of us. Maybe we can just. Run away and forget about all of this.”  
“Listen, if you’re saying it just to make me feel better then-”  
“No!”  
They both almost jumped. That was… unexpected, to say the least.  
“You... You’re turning eighteen in December, right? After that, he technically can’t stop you from going anywhere. We can leave Hellton and go anywhere. I’m-” he stopped for a second and looked Neil straight in the eyes “I’m dead serious. Let’s leave. Together.”

Neil went silent.

“I-I mean! If you want. I just, thought. We don’t have any attachment to this place, besides the club, so-”  
“Let’s do it.”  
Before he could add anything else, Todd lunged forwards and closed him in a hug. He’d swear he could hear little “yesyesyes, yes!” Todd breathed out. 

“We need to figure out-”  
“Neil!!!”  
They both almost jumped out of their skin.  
“Keating had to get tired of waiting-”  
“Shit. You gotta get out of here, right now!”

“But-”

“I promise we’ll meet at school and plan it out, but- I won’t be able to go back if he’ll see you here. You need to go-!”  
Right before Todd turned around, he looked him dead serious in the eye.

“You better come back.”


	2. This Is The Road To Ruin, And We’re Starting At The End

Chapter 2  
This Is The Road To Ruin, And We’re Starting At The End  
(Neil)

If it wasn’t for Todd, he’d kill himself that night.   
He knew where his father kept a gun, so that’d be easy.   
When he was younger, he used to think about what would happen, if he really disappeared from his parent’s life. Not even died, just. Not be there. Would they feel sad? Probably not. Would they look for him? Maybe. Would they be disappointed? Yeah, most likely. 

He thought it's a universal experience- that everyone gets all sad (or, how his mom liked to call it “moody”) and thought about their own death from time to time. It was Charlie who told him that no, in fact, it's not something that happens to everyone.

“I mean, maybe? I never thought of that. But I don’t think in general.” and he gave him that look that he hated getting. The “dude, are you okay?” look. 

“We know you don’t!” snorted guy from their class passing by them in hallway”  
“Shut up, Carter, only I can say it! Anyways.” Charlie turned back to him “I sometimes imagine what would happen if I knocked Cameron out, though. Does that count?”  
“You wouldn’t, first of all. They’d kick you out if you did.”  
“Jokes on you! That’s what I wrote a poem about, the first time Keating made us write ‘em.”  
“... I’m not sure if it’s good or bad Keating didn’t make you read it out loud. At least tell me you hid it under some good metaphor.”  
“I actually asked Todd for advice back then!”  
“I imagine your ego had a hard time getting over it- ouch, bastard!” jostling each other, they went on. Next classes were just starting.

And so Neil’s suspicious thoughts slipped under the radar.   
He didn’t share them anymore, though. Last thing he needed was people worrying about him. 

***

He spent Saturday and most of the Sunday at home.   
“Maybe it’s really over,” he thought. “and I’m not going back. Shit. Maybe I should write to everyone.”  
They don’t deserve just not hearing from him anymore. Not Todd, not Keating, not other club members.  
What did Keating tell his father?

He had to slap his hand away. He stopped biting his nails years ago, a bit after he started going to Welton, and Neil was NOT going back to this habit.  
Not knowing what to do with himself, he got up and started pacing around. Suddenly his room felt way too small. 

“Neil, honey?” he didn’t even notice when the door opened and mom peaked in. “Come downstairs, we need to talk to you.”  
“We, as in, father?” he wanted to ask. Sometimes he hated her for being so obedient to his father.   
“I’ll be there in a minute” he said instead. 

***

Between Thomas Perry and his father was exactly no difference.  
He was intelligent (or good at pretending he was, there was no way of telling), his son never saw him wearing anything but a suit, and had a sense of humour of a dead brick- a kind that people of business used. They weren’t funny for anyone else, obviously, but for these gentlemen and women it was enough to smile a little bit. For them these residual smiles were equivalent for rolling on the floor with laughter. 

Even though they lived with each other for a long while, and even though Mr Perry seemed to want to control most aspects of Neil’s life, he never bothered to want to know him better. 

He sometimes wondered if he had a box for all the orders he must’ve got for being the worst father.

Anyways, after these two days of, basically, a complete silence, Neil didn’t expect any good from the incoming conversation. Every step he was taking down the stairs was aged him by at least a few days.   
“We won’t send you to military school” was the sentence that greeted him. Neil’s heart jumped a little, but he remained silent. It was a quagmire, one wrong step and… who knows what would happen. So he figured it was safer not to take any steps. 

“We can’t have you move schools in the middle of the year” Mr Perry continued, “That could affect your grades. So you’ll go back to Welton. But this time, I’m going to go there every two weeks, so I can actually monitor your progress, and make sure you’re not getting yourself into any more of this…” Neil almost said something this time. “...this nonsense. Do we understand each other?”

Normally this one stern gaze was enough to put Neil back in his place. But this time he felt fucking powerful. These were all just empty words, unkeepable promises. Just a little bit more, and then… then he never has to see his father’s face.  
Ever again. 

***

Todd was already sleeping when Perrys made it to school- and their dorm. 

So when the door suddenly opened and sharp light from the corridor landed straight on his face, Todd almost landed on his face. This time, on the floor.  
Neil felt his stomach turning at this. Todd was usually a heavy sleeper, but this time, he was barely napping, on his tiny desk, besides crumpled papers and books. Was being the key word, because the moment they entered the room, he jumped from his chair. 

“Hi Todd” quietly, as if he didn’t want his father to hear it.   
“Good- evening? Good evening Mr Perry. Hi, Neil” he looked mildly confused and sleepy.   
The pit in Neil’s stomach grew bigger. He wanted to hug him and fix his hair out of his eyes. But they had to wait.

He didn’t even answer Todd.   
“I already talked to Mr Nolan. I’ll see you next week, Neil” turned around, and left.

They waited for another few minutes, until they were sure he's gone. 

Only just now Neil felt the tension in the room; and now, when they were definitely alone, he didn’t know what to do. He spent the last two days walking around his room, restlessly thinking about Friday night.   
Though it was only a few days, he missed Todd. He didn’t know if it was platonic anymore. He didn’t care either- he just wanted- just-

“Neil?”

A second later he turned around and gathered him into his arms.   
“Good to see you too, Neil” with the softest of the voices “for a second I thought you’re not coming back.” Freeing his hands from between them, Todd put them around Neil’s middle. 

“...yeah.”

They stood there in silence. Todd thinking intensely, Neil just bathing in this moment. Finally, Todd spoke up:

“We need to start planning.”

***

The last thing he remembered from this night, after they stayed up to something around 3am, was someone kissing him on the forehead before he fell into slumber.   
Plan will be done soon.   
And then.  
They are out of here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments make me cry from happiness


	3. Let's Be Alone Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was going to put the runaway scene in this chapter, but it didnt fit.

Let’s Be Alone Together.

“Okay, so why are we here? It’s been barely 3 days since last meeting” asked Cameron, giving forward their shared pipe. 

“Yeah. You said it’s Extremely Important” added Meeks, looking at Neil. Neil was visibly fidgeting, having trouble putting his thoughts into words.   
Todd resisted the urge to keep Neil’s hands from scratching cuticles by the nails. He didn’t know where they were standing at the moment. Were they friends? Undeniably. But do friends plan runaways together, hold each other when one is sad, and kiss each other’s foreheads? Do they? He had no idea what to think of all of this. 

“Well, it is Extremely Important” agreed Neil.  
“So? What is it?”  
“Yeah, tell us!” interrupted Charlie, trying (and failing) to throw a cookie into his mouth. “What is it about that it’s so hard to say? Are you pregnant? Todd, are you pregnant? They grow up so- ouch, Meeks, how dare you!”  
“Shut up and let him talk.” answered Meeks, trying to remain calm, even though at the same time he had to avoid Nuwanda’s attempts at hitting back. 

“...Todd and I are running away.” finally said Neil.  
Never after that did they hear their friends saying something in unison - kinda funny that this last thing was a big, synchronized “WHAT”, with a little addition from Pitts “...the fuck”. 

After that, the questions started.  
“Wait, but how?”  
“Where?”  
“Why are you telling us..?”  
“Can I go too?”  
“What about school?”  
“I swear to god, Cameron-”  
“But seriously, do you have a plan or something?”  
“Are you asking us for help right now?”

“Okay, are you all going to shut up or what.” that last one was by Todd, who suddenly stood up. “We’re telling you because- because, yeah, we might need help. Yes. But also because it would be unfair to leave without you knowing anything.”   
There was a moment of silence; they weren’t really used to Todd being the main voice. Well, Todd wasn’t either, because when he noticed everyone staring at him, he quietly sat back down.

Neil, feeling a bit less stressed, took over the reins.   
“We. Um. We came to a conclusion together, that we can’t stay here. At Welton. It’s about our parents. I mean, mostly mine. I mean. Shit, it’s complicated.”  
“You don’t have to explain everything if you don’t want to,” noticed Meeks, awkwardly patting him on the back. 

“I still don’t get it though” said Cameron “I mean, why now? You never really wanted to get away from everything like that.”  
Cameron shared subtlety with a tiled stove, but he also had a point.   
“Camer-” Charlie started, but Neil stopped him.  
“No, Charlie. Okay, the thing is, he- my father, I mean- he wants to cut me off from. Like. From everything I’m actually enjoying. He’s been here, at school, twice already, because he wants to make sure I’m doing exactly the things he wants me to do. And, most importantly… not getting into acting again. Fuck, he almost sent me to military school! I just,” Neil sighed “I can’t live like this. My birthday is in 8 days. After I’m eighteen, he can’t do shit to stop me. I’m leaving, you guys. And I’m taking Todd with me.”  
Neil felt Todd’s hand searching for his in the dimness. He squeezed it back, reassuringly. 

Knox was the first one to speak up.  
“Do you have a plan?”

“Actually, yes. But we’ll need your help with it. Specifically yours, Knoxie.”

***

“Are you sure about this?”  
“Absolutely not. But if this won’t work, we always have plan B, remember?”  
“I’m sorry, but I doubt either of those plans, to be honest.”

They stood together besides the telephone booth. Neil clutching the receiver, trying really hard not to stress out. With Todd by his side, who wasn’t looking at him, instead keep scanning the hallway. Keeping his watch. Making sure none of the teachers - even Keating - overhears the conversation that was about to play out. 

“One, six, four…” he could hear Neil murmuring to himself, dialing the number. 

“Hello…? Is it Mr. Danbury? Oh, great. May I talk to Ginny, or..? Oh, great.”  
A moment of silence.  
“Ginny? Yeah, I know, it’s been a while… yeah, stuff happened and I couldn’t really- oh? Okay. Listen, I’m sorry for what I’m about to say but- I need your help. Yeah. I know how it sounds but- okay, I’m stopping. But I can’t explain it just like that. It’s… complicated. Can we meet? Would that be a problem? Great! Can we meet in town? Cool. When? Great. I’ll be there. Thanks, bye, see you!”   
“She agreed?”  
“Yes! We’re meeting her on Friday, at seven- Todd, you’re okay?”  
Todd looked like he was holding his breath through this entire phone call too. Eyes locked on the paper with “please keep your calls under 10 minutes!!!”. Cheeks red. He was far away from there.   
“Todd, hey” Neil caught his hand that was midway to his wrists (Neil had no idea where, but Todd acquired a habit of scratching his wrists, so afterwards they were angry red.)   
“I’m just thinking too much.”  
“About what?”  
“... you really think this plan will work out?”  
“Of course! Come on, Todd… we’re so close to getting it done, we can’t stop here.”   
“But what then?”  
“What?”  
“What then, Neil? We- we focused so much on how we’re gonna get out of here, that we didn’t consider what to do next.”  
“Where do you want to go then?”  
“Wha-?”

“Perry, Anderson!” the familiar voice almost made them jump out of their shoes and socks, “It’s quite late to be hanging out here, don’t you think? I wouldn’t want you two to be late to my classes tomorrow. I’d have to give you some form of punishment, and that’d be highly unpleasant for us all!”  
“We know, Mr.Keating” answered Neil, already trying to get them both out of there, before the teacher had a chance to start asking them questions.   
But Keating wasn’t easy to dismiss.   
“Are you two alright?” he asked, looking at them both attentively, “Especially you, Anderson, you’re looking rather worse for wear.”   
“I’m fine” they said at the same time. “Don’t worry sir, we’re on our way back to our room.” added Neil.   
“You can go already, Perry. I’m gonna talk with your friend.”  
“A-alright?” Neil gave one more look to Todd and left.  
For Neil, it was a look saying “I’m a bit unsure what’s happening right now, but we’re gonna talk this out later, right?”  
Todd wasn’t sure what it meant though.

“Tell me, Anderson, are you good?”  
“I, I already told you I’m fine, Mr Keating. If I wasn’t, I’d just tell you the truth.” he wished he could tell Keating about everything. He needed someone with a fresh perspective. But he couldn’t - the English teacher would have to report it to Nolan, or - god forbid - his parents.   
Or, which was less probable, but not impossible - he wouldn’t understand. Tell him it’s stupid and his issues with his and Neil’s parents aren’t big enough reason to do something like that.   
“That’s a possibility. But I also know that you’re not exactly keen on sharing your feelings, Todd. At least, not when there is a whole class around you.”  
“I swear, if something was going on, I would tell you, sir. You’re probably the only teacher I can say it about.”

What was he doing?!  
Well. He knew what. And he knew there wasn't a very high chance of saying goodbye to Mr Keating. It was his one occasion, and he was going to take it.   
Keating smiled at him.   
“Well, I’m glad I can say I have the trust of my students. If you’re really okay, then you can go. And don’t be late tomorrow!”  
“I won’t. Thank you, Mr Keating. You’re- the government should give awards for being the best teacher. You should get one. ”  
Before the teacher had a chance to answer, Todd turned around and went back to his room.

***

“Hey” was what he was greeted with in his room.  
“Hi.”  
“What were you talking about?” asked Neil, curiously, putting away the exercise book he had in his hands “I mean, if you want to talk about it.”  
“Nothing interesting. He just wanted to make sure I’m okay.”  
“Are you?”  
“I-” a sigh, so quiet Neil almost didn’t catch it, “I don’t know. I mean- I mean I guess I still didn’t answer your question.”  
“Do you have an answer?”  
“Yes. Kinda. It’s not like, a fully shaped plan. And I don’t have a warranty that it’ll work out.”  
“But?”  
“But I thought, maybe we can go to New York.”  
Neil was opening his mouth to question this idea, but Todd stopped him.  
“I know how it sounds, okay! I know. But this is like… a perfect place for us. We can both find work and some place to crash in for a little while, and- and when we’re more settled, you can- you know, there’s like 30 theatres over there. And I- I can go to school. And learn to write. And if this won’t work out, we can find my godfather.”

“I didn’t even know you had one…”  
“I know. He’s kind of a black sheep. My parents… well, they don’t necessarily like him.”  
“How come he’s your godfather then?”  
“Because when I was born, my parents still kinda had to care about me. And they liked uncle Dan, so they made him my godfather. But when I was… six? They had some major fall out. And they didn’t talk to him since. I just know he still lives there, because they act towards him the same way as they do towards me.”  
“They’re sending him the same desk set every year?”  
“Close. They still send each other Christmas cards. Out of courtesy, I suppose. And I’m pretty sure it’s the same kind of card every year. Like the one you can get at 7-Eleven.”  
“Your parents buy them too?”  
“These four have to be the only people in the world who give actual money for them. But I guess uncle Dan already noticed, because he’s been sending back the exact same cards.”  
“It’s kind of like my grandmas… they always try to come up with the worst Christmas gifts possible. I’m pretty sure the last ones were a toothbrush and a cup “best dad ever”.”

Todd’s laughter - which was very contagious, by the way - quickly got cut by a massive yawn.   
“So… New York City then?”  
“I guess. The more I think of it, the more appealing it sounds.”  
“Huh.” Todd huffed.  
“Seriously! It’s going to be fun. And we’ll finally be free. God, this is- it’s making me literally so happy. You can’t even imagine.”  
“I think I can.”  
They fell silent for a while.   
And Todd desperately tried to gather up the courage to ask him, he should ask Neil about it, it’s time-  
“Neil?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Do you-” shit, he can’t say it just like that. Why did they never teach him in school how to communicate properly and without excessive awkwardness? “I mean- are you sure you want to take me with you?”  
Neil almost choked on air.  
“Are you kidding me? Of course I want to! Why wouldn’t I want to? I can’t go by myself, that’s for sure. I like our club members, but not enough to take any of them with me. And I’m sure as hell not staying here!”

Oh.

“Todd, I’m taking you with me because I want you there with me. And also… this whole thing was your idea. So if anything, I should be the one asking you. Do you understand? I’m taking you with me because I like you the most. And I can’t imagine leaving you here by yourself.”

...oh.  
God, he wanted to kiss him so bad right now. 

***

Ginny was cold.   
Neil was already ten minutes late.  
Where the hell-  
“Ginny!” She turned around, and saw two boys on their bikes, growing from small blurred figures to big and not blurred figures. One was Neil, the other she couldn’t recognize, although she was pretty sure she saw him after A Midsummer Night’s Dream was staged. 

“Hey Neil. Hey…?” she looked questioningly at Todd.   
“I- I’m Todd.” She wondered if he was stuttering because of having to introduce himself, or because it was cold.   
“Hi, Todd.” they awkwardly shook hands, “Didn’t know you’d bring someone with you.”  
“Todd needs to be here too. It was both of us’ idea to ask you for help.”  
“Okay, is this the part where you’re telling me what the help is? You know, even if it’s something serious, you can tell me.”  
“I know how this sounds, but you’re the only person we know who has access to a car. And before you ask: we need it because we’re running away. Even if you could throw us off right outside the southern part of town, it’s fine.”  
“Neil…”  
“Please, Ginny. This is sort of an emergency.”  
“And our plan B is crap,” added Todd quietly.   
“Please.”  
“No, you don’t understand - I’d love to help you. We’re friends, that’s what we do. And we’d be even after you helped me get to rehearsals, I guess. But it’s not really my call if I can do it. It’s my brother’s.”  
“Chet’s?”  
“Yeah. He’s the one with a car. And a valid driver’s license.”  
“Oh…”  
“I’m gonna talk to him. But you better prepare some plan B that works.”  
“How will we know it worked?” asked Todd.  
“Call my house on Saturday, at 6 in the evening. I’ll let you know how it went.”  
“You’re the best, Ginny!” yelped Neil, pulling her in for a hug. He almost picked her up out of all that happiness.  
“I know, calm down’’ Ginny wasn’t the best at hiding amusement, and so she started giggling. “You don’t know how it’ll turn out yet.”  
“Sorry” he put her down.   
“No need to. I’m glad I can help you, you know” she shrugged, adjusting glasses slipping off her nose. “But if you feel the need to recompansate, I’d gladly take a ride home. It’s cold, and my parents wouldn’t be happy if I got back from a date with the flu.”  
“Date?” they asked in unison.  
“I had to tell them something.”  
“Um. You can sit at the back of my bike” suggested Todd quietly.  
“Thanks!”

***

When they got back to Welton, it was already dark outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. comments make me cry from happiness.  
> 2\. next chapter will include some brother-sister shenanigans, epic runaway scene (finally), and character arc for Chet Danbury, bc god knows we're past era of making stereotypical jocks.


	4. Tonight I'm High As A Private Jet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a lot of happened here oh shit  
> but they did it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i suck at first kisses please dont hate me

Ginny’s life mantra was “do not look back”. No questioning. 

She didn’t question her decision to take a part in Midsummer Night’s Dream (no matter how much she wanted to). She didn’t look back when Patricia Fisher shut her down after her attempts at flirt. 

Though maybe it’s supposed to be “fake it til you make it”. She was mimicking her brother’s ever unconcerned manners that she actually perfected it by now. 

“Do no harm but take no shit”? Maybe, actually.

She knew that thinking too much was a one way road to hurt. That was for sure. 

Whichever it was, she was hoping to god or whatever else it would work right now, as she was standing in front of the door to her brother’s room, with hand raised up to knock. 

Screw it. 

Knock, knock, knock.

***

_They first met at the casting to this godforsaken play at their school._

_She didn’t even want to go in the first place, but she knew her parents would be delighted if she made an attempt at anything after school. Chet had sports, but she was always taken aback by them. She hated being physically tired, as well as sweating profusely. She didn’t mind teamwork though._

_“Alright, Ginny Danbury, Neil Perry and Albert Hansen. Come on in, we’ll see what you are worth.” said Ginny’s English teacher, waving to them with bound sheets of paper._

_After they were finished (and after Ginny almost died of embarrassment, Neil tripped thrice, and Albert ran away), it was the first time when they had a chance to talk._

_“You go to school here, right?” asked Neil when they were leaving._

_“Yes.”_

_“I heard it’s a twin to mine, but I don’t see it. It looks very… relaxed.”_

_“I suppose. Though I think it’s sad that the highest bar for us is this low.” she mumbled._

_“Yeah… I think we should have girls at Welton. My friend Charlie once wrote about it in a school paper and he almost go- um” Neil looked like he bit his tongue there._

_“He what?”_

_“He almost got suspended. Yeah. That’s what I was trying to say.”_

_She smiled, almost unnoticeably._

_“I imagine this wasn’t the best day for him.”_

_“It wasn’t. I’m not saying he deserved the punishment he got. Though our other friend kept telling him he kinda did… to which the answer was always “god damn, no one would bother me this much if I was dead.””_

_They parted outside school grounds, but it was long after the casting was over._ _  
_ _She really liked him, in a way._

***

“Whaaat?”

“Can I come in? We need to talk” she sounded angry, great. Shit - “It’s sort of important.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

Her relationship with Chet tended to be weird; they mostly kept respectful distance. But when it wasn’t awkward, they could really have fun with each other. When Chet needed a cover up because he wanted to go out or throw a party, she complaintlessly went along. When she needed a day off at school, he was the one who would call the school office. 

But how would he react to this… especially since Neil was friends with that weird lanky guy who stole Chris from Chet. 

“So what do you want?” he asked, not looking at Ginny at all. Instead he was focused on balancing on some strange pile of stuff, to tape yet another poster to the wall. If someone was to count them, they’d have to spend at least a year in here.

Ginny was glad they didn’t have to share a room anymore.

“First of all, whoever made this is an illiterate twat truck. They spelled “Vermont” wrong.”

“Did you just call me illiterate?”

“It’s hardly the first time.”

“...fair enough.”

“They didn’t kick you out of Welton for nothing.”

“They didn’t kick me out for being illiterate, I could hide that for years. They kicked me out for breaking a little finger on this guy’s face.”  
“You want a gold star for that? He couldn’t open left eye for a week after that, they should kick you out.”

“Whatever! What do you want? You’re not usually coming here just to insult me. Unless that’s covered by the definition of important.”

“Yeah, apropos Welton…” come on, say it already, “What if I told you I have a friend there who needs help?”

“I’d ask how do you have friends, you nerd. And how do you even know someone from Hellton?” 

“From theater rehearsals. I may be a nerd but I’m not completely antisocial. And I never broke a pinkie on anyone’s face.”

“There has to be a first time for everything.”

“If you give me another one of your lame sex jokes, I’m going to break a pinkie on your face.”

“Oh shut up, we all know you can’t. What help are we talking about?”

“...” why couldn't she just say it? C’mon, just… “We need someone to drive us out of town, on the southern side.”

“You’re kidding.”

“No.”

“Holy fu-” he almost fell off the pile of stuff, catching his balance at the very last moment. “No fucking way!” he said, jumping off, and throwing the tape on the desk. 

“But why?”  
“Why would I?”   
“Because I’m your sister, and as your sister I’m asking for your help. It’s not that far away!”

“Oh really? Why do they need to get out of town anyways?”

“...I don’t know if I can tell you.”

“Well then, I don’t know if I can help you.”

“Are you really going to do this?”

“Unless you tell me what the hell is going on, then yes, I’m going to.”

Ginny could feel anger bubbling up inside her. Like milk seething in the pot, ready to throw off the lid and burn and start smelling.   
Instead she pushed it back down.

“They’re running away, okay?!” she snapped.

Well that turned out great, Virginia.

“They’re what now?”

“You heard me. You got free from Welton by throwing punches, they want to do it by running away.”

“Goddammit, Gin…”

“I know. Come on Chet… I know it seems like a lot-”

“Like hell it does!”

“Please let me finish.”

Magical word. He might’ve been a jock, she might’ve been a stubborn freshman. But they both were brought up by their parents, so the instinct of respecting when someone says “please” has stayed. Unconditional reflex. 

“I know it sounds like a lot,” she started again, “And i know you're apprehensive about it, but if you don’t want to do it for them, do it for me. Neil is like... one of my only friends. And he’s already so unhappy there. You said it yourself, it’s like this place is designed to produce depression and population decline.”

“Gin…”

“Few miles outside town. That’s all I’m asking for.”

“God fuckin- okay! I’ll do it! But you’re the one who’s going to convince mom and dad.”  
“I will.”

“Don’t screw this up. I know we’re co-presidents of Idiots Club, but-”

“Virginia?! Another phone call for you!” the yell from downstairs made both of them jump.

“One minute mom! And-” she turned back to Chet, “I won’t. I have kind of a plan already.”

***

Welton Academy was the prettiest like this - in the dead of night. With snow starting to cover up every surface, making the usually loud and busy place look like it’s been covered with a blanket. No living creature in sight. 

“Hey” Todd’s wonder got interrupted by Neil, squeezing his wrist lightly.

Funny how holding hands is something that couples do, while friends pat each other’s shoulders. Even in this department they were in the middle. 

“You’ve got everything?”

They’ve been packing for the last two days- Neil into a backpack he took from home, Todd into a sports bag (ridiculously big, considering he only attended one sport, but, he guessed that was a quirk of having most of your stuff after big brother. He didn’t complain now, though; it was much handier than this stupid suitcase Jeffrey given him before he went to Welton.)  
Clothes, hygiene stuff, Todd’s notebook, Neil’s copy of History of Theatre. A few cans from the kitchen (they owned Meeks and Pitts big one for that. Neither of them had any idea how they managed to humor guys working there AND sneak food out.) Neil carried their money.

“You’re less likely to get mugged” explained Todd, pushing their stack towards him. They just counted it then - fifty five dollars and sixty cents. Their life savings. 

“How? I draw attention to myself.” Neil pushed the money back to him.

“But you’re tall. And- and confident. And fitter than me. I - I guess.”  
 _And not like me in the slightest._

“Thanks, but I still think it’d be safer with you.”

“No way, Neil. We’d get mugged and die immediately, and I’d spend the rest of the afterlife reminding you of that.”  
“Sounds like a cool idea to me! Ghosts are always lonely, so I wouldn’t mind company for the rest of eternity.”

“Oh just take this…”  
“Why can’t we split them in half? That way if something happens, we both have backup.”

 _“That’s surprisingly smart. I wanna kiss you now thanks to that”_ is what Todd would say if he had confidence of Nuwanda. Instead, he just shrugged and said:   
“Fair enough for me.”

Scratch what was written earlier then. They both carried part of the money.

“You’ve got everything?” Neil repeated patiently. 

“Yeah,” answered Todd, turning around, and letting Neil let go of his wrist. “How much time have we got left?”

“Three quarters” Neil almost whispered, as if scared Hager was right behind the closed door, eavesdropping, ready to stop them. “Do we have anything to do left?”

“We should leave a note.”

“Note?”

Todd pushed himself from the windowsill and stood in front of their desk, looking for a loose sheet of paper.

“Why do we need it?” Todd didn’t have to look to know Neil was furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.  
“So they won’t think we got kidnapped or something. They’re probably gonna call the police anyways, and they’re gonna look through- through our stuff. We might as well leave it like…” he looked around a room, “like here” finishing the thought, he put the letter on top of their wardrobe. 

“Wait! I wanna see it.”

_Hello._ _  
_ _We didn’t get kidnapped. We ran away._

_Please show some decency and don’t make us come back._

_~ T.A, N.P_

“That’s… fair,” Neil snorted. As much as it could be seen as a cruel move on his side, he just couldn’t bring himself to care about his father’s reaction. 

Hating your parents is a weird thing - because it’s never something you’re 100% sure of. You want to hate them because of how they hurt you and how many boundaries they crossed. But when you’re made to spend so much time with someone, this feeling gets dulled. It mixes with others.   
If anyone else manipulated you, or beat you up, or tried to cut you off from the things you truly love, you’d sooner or later realize and ditch the bastard. But parents are with you since you're the size of a pea, so you don’t get to know they’re bad to you… usually until it’s too late. 

The realization of their decision kept coming at Neil in waves - most of the time he acted as usual, but there were moments when he became hyper aware that yes, they are indeed leaving this life behind. Those were the moments when he wanted to jump and yell and pick Todd up and tell him everything. It was the same rush of adrenaline when they first went to Dead Poets’ cave, or when he and Todd and Charlie and Cameron were running around their bedroom, or… damn.

This had to be the most eventful year of his life. 

“Time?”

“Ten minutes. Should we go kiss Nolan goodbye?”

“Unless you want to,” answered Todd, trying to suppress a giggle as he picked up his stuff. “I’d rather try to avoid him as much as possible tonight, though.”

“Oh my god but can you imagine that?”

“What, Nolan? We have to see him every day anyways, why would I want to imagine him?”

“No, dork. I’m talking about meeting him in the night. Do you think he has pajamas?”

“Absolutely not. I think he sleeps in a suit. Though I heard he’s got a son, so…”  
“What, are you saying he had sex in a suit, too?”

“No! Oh my god Neil… I’m saying he multiplies by gemmation. He doesn’t have to ruin a precious suit.”

***

The corridor was completely quiet as they sneaked towards the main door. Todd’s heart was pounding in his chest so loudly, he was scared someone behind all the closed doors could hear it. 

When he was little, he’d sometimes throw up out of nervousness. Parents would scold him for it, and Jeffrey would firstly laugh, then ask him what was wrong. 

(He never decided about his feelings towards Jeffrey.)

Point being, after some time he learned to hold it all back. He learned how to breathe and focus, and how, in the end, not throw up. But right now it was all coming back to him, and he almost panicked. 

It was something between fear and excitement.

His mind was so focused on just getting through this night that he almost screamed when Neil suddenly pushed him into the corner. Neil’s body kept him on his feet against a wall.

“What-” Neil’s hand clasped on his mouth. 

The door at the end of the hall opened. 

“I’m gonna make the last round before going to sleep” The chemistry teacher’s voice barely got carried to the place they were standing in.   
They were so close to each other. The panic was welling up inside of him. He didn’t dare to move a muscle. 

Neil looked down at him, catching his gaze for a moment. He looked like he wanted to apologize for the hand thing. But the second he’d remove his hand from it’s place, they could make a noise and get caught. Who knew if even just by moving they wouldn’t attract attention.

Neil felt as if there were ants running on his body.

“I can see you there!” the teacher’s voice, though not even that loud, was like a cannon shot.

They both tensed up even more, but to Todd’s surprise, Neil didn’t move at all. 

“Ugh, this was never useful. Why do I even bother anymore? Stupid brats never sneak out when I’m doing rounds. But Hagar-!” The grumbling was getting gradually quieter.   
They waited another two minutes like that before Neil let them go from the wall.   
“C’mon!”

The cold outside was pinching their cheeks and insides of their noses as they ran through the snow towards the gate. 

Somehow it felt different from when they were running to club meetings; maybe because they’ve done it so much. They squeezed all the feeling of danger out of it. 

This? This was new. 

Exciting. 

Dangerous, in a way. 

They slowed down only when the school building disappeared around the corner. 

“It’s 12:04. We’ve still got 6 minutes before we really have to hurry.” said Neil, looking at the watch, and turned around to Todd. 

“Todd, are you okay?”

Even if he wanted, he couldn’t answer this question. 

All the poems in the world and all the stories couldn’t put in words what he felt right now. He was just purely stunned.   
They were here. Away from school. Neil was here, alive and breathing (heavily from running, but still.) Eyes shining from street lamps. Cheeks and nose red. 

“I’m. I’m okay” he just said.

“We gotta go, Todd!” he turned around. 

In this second Todd lost it. He ran to Neil and pulled him by the hand.

“What are you-?”

Todd put both hands on Neil’s face, looking him straight in the eyes, and plainly said:  
“Happy Birthday, Neil.”

And then.

They were kissing. 

For a second, Todd was scared to even move. The closest he ever got to kissing anyone were his aunts at family gatherings. And what if Neil doesn't want this? What if he'll get pushed back and left alone? What if...  
But then he started to realize what was going on.

They were kissing. Not him just kissing Neil, or the other way around. They were both kissing. 

Neil’s lips were warm and chapped, moving so slightly against his. His palm landing carefully on Todd's neck, right under his jaw. He was so close and so warm, and in this one moment, so his.

When Todd moved just a tiny bit back, Neil moved right towards him. 

Neil was scared to close his eyes at first. Scared it’ll turn out to not be real. Some fucked up daydream he’s having.  
But Todd really was here. He could feel his rabbit-quick pulse under his hand, right under soft, freckled skin. 

They parted far too soon for his liking, but they were both far too inexperienced to know how to breathe properly. 

He wondered if Todd feels like he’s high too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments make me cry from happiness


	5. He Gives Me Toothaches Just From Kissin' Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it finally happens

There’s very few things as soothing as driving on a snowy night, and having your favorite person dozing off on your shoulder. The others are taking a hot bath after a cold, knowing the police aren't tracking you anymore and sleeping in your own bed. 

It was still snowing a little bit- not enough to settle on what was already on the ground, but enough for Todd to see tiny snowflakes fly under the street lamps’ light. Like some weird bugs or very small galaxies. 

He was almost jealous of how Neil could nap peacefully after everything that happened.While Todd was also tired, he wasn’t able to let himself sleep just like that. 

He could never sleep in a moving car. He didn’t even have a driving license yet - but he still felt a sense of responsibility. 

Another thing was that every time he closed his eyes, Todd couldn’t stop thinking about their kiss. Half of him wanted to squeak like a middle-school girl because  _ holy fuck he kissed Neil Perry and Neil kissed him back and it was the best thing in the world,  _ but the other half was pacing back and forth, screaming.  _ What now, dumbass? What does this mean? Are you a couple? Are you homosexual? And Neil? What if someone notices? What on earth are we supposed to do now?!” _

That question was quite on point, actually. What now?

Out of habit, Todd started to count lamps. In some way, the one he couldn’t really understand, it helped him calm down and turn off his stupid brain. That's why, unlike most boys, he didn't completely despise maths. After all, when you learn the rules, it was just mindless writing down the same thing. 

“A’ight, kids. I can’t take you any further. We’ve got to head back.” said Chet, turning to them. Ginny turned as well, looking at them both from head to toe, like she wanted to engrave how they look in her mind.

“Are you sure you’re ready?” she asked. Todd, though he was busy bringing Neil back to full consciousness, spotted her leg bouncing. “I mean, have you got everything and stuff?”

“Yes.” said Neil, much more awake now. He handed Todd his bag. “Thank you so much, Chet. And you too, Ginny. We owe you both a big one.”

“Don’t strain yourself. I’ll find you after you two move to New York and ask you for a massive loan or something.” said Ginny, yawning. It was clear that this adventure took a toll on them all. “And call me at some point, or the suspense might kill me.”

“Of course we will!” 

They shook hands before parting ways. 

***

After some research and annoying at least two people with too many questions, they ended up in the cheapest inn in the entirety of Hartford. 

“Room for one person is seven dollars for the night. Room for two is 8 dollars and 50 cents.” the receptionist didn’t even bother to look at them, being way too tired, and generally more focused on pouring another spoon of coffee into his mug. 

Todd quietly put eight fifty on the table.

The guy - he could be a bit older than them, so Neil decided it’s okay to call him like that - gave them a key.

“Is there any place nearby we can get breakfast?” asked Neil, smiling politely.

“N’idea, kid. I’m not the one to eat as long as I’m stuck at this job. Which is probably gonna be forever. I’m nineteen years old and I’ve already wasted m’entire life, ya know?”

Looks like interacting with other humans after midnight was equal to unlocking all of their thoughts, the ones you usually bury so deep that no one can hear even a whisper of them.

“Yeah, I get it… thanks though!” said Neil, having to bite his tongue just to not say something similar to the knowledge receptionist just shared with them.

Todd, on the other hand, couldn't suppress a giggle. 

***

"Are we going to talk about earlier?" Blurted out Neil when they settled down their stuff. 

He was thinking about it all the way here. He wanted, needed to know, what did it mean. 

Did it change anything?

He didn't allow himself, not yet, to believe it meant his best friend could possibly like him as much as Neil did. 

No matter how much he wanted to.

"Earlier?" Todd didn't turn to him, instead he kept rummaging through his bag. 

"You know, happy birthday?"

"Oh. This." 

Todd was afraid of this question. He wished they could skip this part and go straight to Neil telling him he doesn't want them to be like that. 

He didn't know what he'd do with it. And how he could possibly avoid all the awkwardness that will come with it. 

How the hell can he get out of it?

He gave up pretending he was looking for something.

"I don't know how this is going to sound, but- but, why did you. Why did you kiss me?

Todd was quiet. He didn't know.

Well, no, he knew. But it was difficult to put in words.

Everything he felt for Neil in his heart - things soft and beautiful and only a bit scary - was turning into an ugly pulp the very moment he opened his mouth to express them. 

Why did he have to ruin everything? 

"Just say you didn't like it." He answered quietly, clenching his hands on some piece of clothing in his bag, to stop them from trembling. 

“What?”

“I. I did it because of some shitty stupid impulse, but it doesn’t- it doesn’t have to mean anything.” God, was he terrible at lying.

Neil looked so awfully confused.

Normally Todd was thankful no one can see what he’s thinking, but at that moment, he kinda wished Neil could do it. 

“I know, I shouldn’t have, and it - ugh I don’t know why I did it, okay?”

“Todd, listen…”

It wasn’t like Neil had something against it. Fucking hell, he was into Todd since they started sharing a room! Something that started as a crush, or, how Mr Keating would call it “finding someone aesthetically pleasing”. He noticed Todd’s fidgeting, how he had trouble speaking with new people, how he liked to hide in their room. 

Constantly anxious. Seeing more than other people. Bottling everything inside. Unpurposely funny. Understanding. 

(He wished that was it, because that’d make him look mature, but it was also that he was all made of soft edges and had soft hair and was blushing for small reasons.)

He just didn’t know how to tell him that their kiss wasn’t a mistake.

Meanwhile, Todd looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown. 

“I don’t hate you for what happened. I may not look like it, but I usually don’t stay in the cold and kiss people I don’t like,” he laughed a little, nervously, but determined to get his message across without freaking Todd out. “Todd. Stop treating me like I’m doing everything towards you out of pity. Did you never think I- that I- that we’re here right now because I want you here? Or that I, I kissed you back because I wanted to? Fuck, Todd…”

Todd stayed quiet for a while. 

It did sound easy, in theory. But for him, this concept - that Neil may actually like him back - sounded so foreign. His overactive brain wanted to question it. Why? Why would Neil want him here? It doesn’t make any sense.

He heard it his entire life, that he was too demanding. So he stopped having demands altogether. Stopped expecting from people that they even like him. He hated asking for anything more than bare minimum. 

He wanted nothing more than to be able to trust Neil on that, though. That he liked him, without any “buts”. He barely admitted it to himself, but he wanted so badly to be liked (loved, maybe, at some point) without having to pay for it. In favors, in silent heartbreaks, in some loss of himself. 

Meanwhile Neil was right there, at arm's length, being an unsolvable riddle for Todd’s skewed vision. Giving away all the love and friendliness he had, from seemingly a never-ending stream. 

“Todd. Can- Can I hug you?”

Usually he’d just go for it. He had to look real bad if Neil felt the need to ask.

Todd nodded without looking up. He almost melted as soon as Neil wrapped his arms around him. He was so warm. 

“Hey, Neil?”

“Hm?”   
“I really, really-” was he really gonna say it like that? “- really like you. And- but I’m scared. And I don’t know what to do with it.”

“It’s okay. We’ve got lots of time to figure it out.”

“We?”

“Yeah. You didn’t think I’m just gonna leave you with it by yourself, did you? Wait, actually, don’t answer.”

  
Shyly, carefully, Neil’s hands were stroking the back of his neck and head, while Todd’s were holding onto Neil’s sweater. 

“I- well, I’ll understand if you say no, but, can we kiss again?”

After a moment of hesitation, Todd nodded into Neil’s shoulder.

Right before their lips touched, Todd shaked his head, their noses brushing against each other. 

“I’m sorry if it’ll be awful.”

Neil laughed a little bit.

“It wasn’t before, why would it be now?”

It wasn’t this time either.    
It was slow and careful, just a little bit awkward.    
“I like you too, Todd.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. comments make me cry from happiness  
> 2\. im sorry if this chapter was too strong on todds thoughts. it really hit close to home ya know


	6. Halves, Part One.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> halves. i hesitated for a while if i should publish this.  
> this, and probably more halves in the future, is kind of a piece of life that i couldnt fit into a narrative, but i felt like it was needed.  
> a memory, if you will.
> 
> please be gentle on this.

They only shared a bed once. 

It was right after Todd's unfortunate birthday. 

Neil was laying wide awake in his own bed, thinking of all the things he got to know this evening. All the knowledge about his best friend. 

He used to call me Five Fifty. He told me that if I won't listen to him and go to Welton, that's what I'll be worth. Five fifty. 

If he wasn't already used to his own father's shitty parenting methods, he'd probably question this. "How can you treat your own child like that?"

He promised himself that if he'll ever have a kid, he'll be the best parent possible. The one they wouldn't be scared of. 

Well, he'll most probably end up with a dog, but it's good enough. Dogs are better than humans anyways. 

It was the quiet, muffled crying that made him stop contemplating those amazingly deep thoughts.

"Hey, Todd."

He could make out the silhouettes of his friend, turning around under covers. 

"Yeah?" Not even said it. Breathed it out like it took him a lot of effort to keep his composure. 

What now?

"Are you good?" Congratulations, Neil. 

"No - not at all, if I have to be honest." Bitter, wet laugh. 

"Do you need a hug?"

"Ex-excuse me?"

"I mean. I don't know. I just know they help sometimes. It probably won't solve anything, but may try it as well."

"Neil. I told you already to stop babysitting me."

"And I already told you »no«. Also, it's not called babysitting, it's called emotional support."

Silence.

"Todd… don't push me away when something is going on. That's what friends are for, to support each other. Unless you're friends with Cameron, because then the friendship requirement is being a fellow brick. But in most cases it's support."

Another laugh. Less wet, more genuine. 

"Alright."

He got up from his bed and toddled towards Neil, who was already sitting straight up on his own. 

When Todd bent down for a hug, his knees almost gave out under him. He let himself kneel in front of his best friend's bed, as Neil kept holding him close. 

His mother was sometimes hugging him, when he was going to school or coming back for the summer. But it was more of a "distant relative" kind of hug. Jeffrey usually just snaked his arm around Todd's neck and ruffled his hair, as a greeting. His dad… Todd didn't even know. He didn't remember last time his dad hugged him. 

The point is, that never in his life has he met someone giving him as much care and attention as Neil did. 

When he was little, it hurt. Just a little bit. And he let it be visible. 

Like when you scratch your knee when you're a small child, and it bleeds a little bit, and you don't know what to do with it. 

Then the scratch turns brown and ugly, but at least it doesn't make a mess anymore. 

Right now, it felt like Neil found out about it, and cleaned it up with alcohol. It's gonna sting a little, but it'll make the scratch better, won't it?

He held Todd by the shoulders, hand petting his hair, voice soft as he whispered awkwardly "there, there… you're okay…". Rocking him from side to side. 

Meanwhile, Neil's thoughts were basically,

_ Softsoftsoftsoftsoft is he gonna be okay? he let me hug him and he's so s o f t but I wanna make him okay again  _

Soothing voice and being held and all th e mental breakdance he was going through, made Todd drowsy. He wanted to curl up under all the blankets in the world. 

He started imagining himself as a giant, living in his blanket mountain and eating everyone who passed by. 

This image, straight from some weird children's book (he wondered what it could be called. "36 graves and counting" or something equally ridiculous. Kids love that.) was what made him doze off. 

That was the first time they ever shared a bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really wanted to write something but this was the best i could manage. im in a bad place atm. sorry.


	7. I Don't Know How It Happened (I Let Down My Guard)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so, i know i havent posted in a while, so maybe you guys want to get to my tumblr or ig or discord or smth like that, so i can inform yall.  
> its not like, a promo question, i dont give a shit, but i just thought that i dont really have a way of letting yall know that something new is going or that im not, in fact, dead.  
> so yeah. lemme know if u want to get updated.

Often after something big happens, it takes a while for a brain to register it. You go to sleep, and kind of forget that anything took place. You wake up, surprised and confused, and only then you remember “Oh, yeah. This thing happened.”

The last time he got a lag like that, it was his first night at Welton. He woke up along with sunrise, drowsy and not understanding. He almost jumped out of his own skin when he saw Neil, sleeping three feet away. “How can he sleep in one room with a stranger?” It was almost admirable. Almost. Maybe it wasn’t, in reality. Maybe Todd thought it was, because he spent most of the night laying on his side, trying to ignore Neil’s existence.

Neil generally seemed to carry so much less anxiety than him. He was louder, he took up more space. Mentally, that is.

When Todd shared a room with Jeffrey, they tend to often not notice each other’s presence. Not even because they were siblings. (He knew that being in the “family member” box doesn’t equal being in the “not emotionally suffocating” box.) But because Jeffrey was that kind of guy. The kind that you don’t feel a presence of them unless they want you to.

Anyways, the next time he awoke and was greeted with confusion, was today- the day after they left Welton.

At this point, he was used to waking up to noise- boys running to and from bathrooms, a teacher walking through the corridor, making sure no one gets to classes late, seldom Mr Nolan’s dog. Todd didn’t like that, but he was used to that form of alarm clock.

This time it was the lack of it all that alarmed him.

He sat up, stretching still asleep muscles, and taking a look around. The room was toasty warm and smelled like clean bedsheets and air fresheners. It almost made Todd go back to sleep, just for a little bit; while he was still not-conscious enough to enjoy it.

The thing that stopped him, though, was suspicious lack of any Neil in the room.

He instantly got up, and, having no other idea, walked towards the window, only to be met with his own dumbassery. 

The room they got was on the other side of the building- not the one facing the road and all the small town life, but the one, from which white fields and black trees on the horizon were visible.    
An edge of this world.

It wasn’t the smartest idea to expect anyone down there. 

  
“You’re up! I got breakfast. It’s almost warm!” Todd almost got a heart attack there and then. Instead, he settled on turning around.   
Neil.

Only slightly red, already dressed up and ready to go.   
“I accidentally befriended that receptionist guy we met yesterday, his name’s Jerry by the way. I found him sleeping under the desk, I noticed because he’s actually tall as hell, and his foot was sticking out, and I convinced him to catch a break since it was 5 am, and no sensible person books a room at that hour. He treated me to some rolls! And you too, sort of-”

Todd decided not to address the anxiety, and just let the stream of words go. 

***

Breakfasts and dinners were usually the second thing on The List Of Things That Don’t Suck At Welton - closely following evening study groups and Saturday desserts, who were ex aequo. 

“Usually” because today there was something  _ wrong _ .

The teacher doing his morning screaming routine seemed louder and more annoyed than usual. Some first-year broke a sink and started hyperventilating while trying to fix it. In effect, students came down for breakfast either late, or soaking wet.    
Everyone was more strained, more on edge.

Meanwhile, Dead Poets tried their best to pretend like nothing was going on. 

“Do we have English today?” asked Charlie, trying to deflate the atmosphere. “Yeah” answered Knox, without looking at him. “Keating told us yesterday to >>mentally prepare ourselves<<.”

“Prepare for what?” asked Pitts, nudging Meeks who was almost falling asleep with his face in cereal. “That’s the problem,” Knox wrinkled his nose. “It's hard to get mentally prepared if you don’t know what you are preparing for.”

“Knowing him, it  _ really  _ can be anything.”

“Not anything, anything. I somehow can’t imagine Keating convincing us to commit arson.” noted Meeks.

“C’mon, boys! In the name of art!” parroted Charlie, as he started rubbing a spoon against his bowl, pretending it’s a match. Rest of the boys snorted - well, except unusually quiet Cameron. “We’re gonna abolish the government with the power of poetry, and this flamethrower I found!”

“Quiet, boys!” boomed Mr McAllister from above Charlie’s head. 

“Of course, sir. We’re sorry, sir.”

“Isn’t there usually seven of you at this table?” the teacher, full of suspicion, eyed each one of them, as if he could detect lies. 

“It’s hard to tell, sir” answered Knox with a completely straight face. “Usually at this hour we have no idea what’s going on. We need solid nutrition before we can answer a question like that.”

Charlie sometimes wondered if most of the teachers aren’t actually robots. Or at least McAllister, who seemed to not realize he was being led up the garden path.    
“In any case, you better eat fast. The classes are starting soon” said the teacher, walking away. 

They waited til the coast was clear before they started to talk again.

“How long do you think it’ll take before they notice?” mumbled Pitts through a mouthful of cereal.   
“Not long, probably.” said Knox.

“Today, probably.” added Meeks.

“Come on, they don’t care about us this much, I wouldn’t put the stakes that high.”

“But they care about how the school looks. It’s not the best look if two students run away. Todd has been here what, four months?” Meeks put down the spoon and started fiddling with his glasses. 

“Neil has been here since the first year…” 

“Yeah. They’re gonna say that Todd was actually a menace, and he brought Neil into it. >>Still waters run deep!!!<<”

“Do you really think this is the best place to talk about this?” Cameron spoke for the first time since they got here. He was rapidly blinking and biting his lip, as if he was about to cry there and then.

“What? Do you reckon we should have a meeting later?” Meeks lowered his voice. He was barely audible through the noise the rest of the students made. Everyone was slowly starting to get to their classes.

“Well- yeah. I have some serious questions.” answered Cameron. 

He didn’t even look at the rest of Dead Poets as they were leaving the lunchroom.

***

“We’re gonna walk for quite some time. Are you sure you wanna carry it like that?” Neil asked, eyes turning from the map and pointing to Todd’s bag. They were leaving the inn. 

  
It was still early; still not fully bright. There was barely anyone outside, and these few brave people who dared to, were way too busy with themselves. Probably thinking “what the hell am I doing here?” or daydreaming about a warm bed and warm toasts.

“Like how?” asked Todd, frowning a little. 

“On one arm. It’s gonna fall off and into a ditch or something.”

“You sound like a mother.”

“What, your mother used to scare you with that too?”

“First of all: I didn’t say you sound like  _ my _ mother, my mother would just say >>Eat your greens and be a good student<<.”

“And second?”

“... I actually don’t have any second. It just sounded cool in my head. Anyways, how else am I supposed to wear it? It’s a bag.”

“Come here.”

“W-what?” Believe it or not, Todd was actually doing his best not to sound flustered. 

“I- well, that sounded bad. I meant, I’ll fix it up for you real quick, so your back won’t like, snap or something.``’’ That being said, he stood behind Todd. Putting his other arm through the bag’s strap, and buckling the middle of it to the bag itself. Now it looked like an almost-backpack. 

That felt… strange. Todd could almost  _ feel  _ the blush creeping up his face. 

They helped each other with stuff like that, obviously. But this was somehow different.    
And, well, that was before they started making out in dank inn rooms. 

Before it was “hey, my obviously straight friend, you have something in your hair, let me take it out.”

Now it felt closer. And less straight.

“There! It doesn’t look the best, but at least it’s kinda useful.” said Neil, grinning. He took a step back to have a better look at his masterpiece. 

Todd hoped Neil didn’t notice how quickly he stepped aside from him.   
_ Is that the part where I should say something witty? _

“That’s what my parents said when I was born” murmured Todd under his breath.

“Hey!”

“What?”

“You can’t just say that!”

“I think I can. I just did.”

“You know that’s not what I meant… also, screw your parents. I think you’re useful. And good looking- I mean, what.” 

“What-”

“Nothing! I mean. Um. Nevermind. Are we going?”

“Yeah. And- um, thanks, Neil.”

_ Holy fuck. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. its been a while.
> 
> i hope u dont hate me too much.


	8. Put Your Best Face On, Everybody (And Let's Go Out With A Bang)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This won't be as much gay fluff, sorry.

Fury isn’t an emotion that we get to see a lot in our daily lives, unless we live with someone who has severe mental health problems that result in outbursts of anger. One could think it's so rare because of its intensity. After all, Fury is a strong word in itself. It reminds us of war, fire, public schools and homophobic adults. 

Obviously, it's not like there's one type of fury. At least, I don't believe there is. 

There's hot fury; the one you can be a victim of when your father throws a textbook at you and tells you to get out of his sight after his failed attempts at tutoring you. One that makes a person scream, throw stuff (or people), as well as making them look like a madman. 

It pushes people to murder, set things on fire and feel satisfied as they burn. 

But there's also cold fury.

One that makes you take a step back, because you're genuinely scared of a person experiencing it. 

One that's silent, but it's the silence before the storm. 

The best example of it being Mr Perry, walking into Welton Academy the evening after his unruly son, and this other bastard child, had run away.

Charlie was going back to his room after dinner when 

"If looks could kill..." he thought, seeing Mr Perry as well as, presumably, his wife. The man looked so cold, Nuwanda could imagine how everything around him grew white from ice and snow. Like some fucked up Snow Queen, but instead of a queen there's a middle aged, bald guy. 

Right after them, Andersons walked in, unbothered by the imaginary ice.

Mrs Perry, last in the line, was probably the only one of four adults barging into the school who didn't look angry.

She kind of reminded Charlie of his own mother - always tired, always stressed out. Someone who's stuck in one - usually hideous - point in their life, and doesn't have enough strength to reach for something more. 

His mother, though, had something that Mrs Perry didn't have- or, didn't have yet. It was the quiet resentment for her own husband in her eyes.

Charlie was well aware why his mother stuck to his father for such a long time; she needed financial stability. Something that'd take years to gain on her own (years that she couldn't afford to take.)

She needed peace and stability, so she wouldn't end up in an asylum. If it wasn't for her, he'd probably kill the fucker already. 

Is it awful to think this about your own parent?

Charlie wasn't sure about that. As well as about if he wanted to know, what kept Mrs Perry with her husband. 

Mrs Anderson, on the other hand, seemed to be the complete opposite of both Mrs Perry and her son. She gave Todd a lot of her own genes— hay like hair, softer posture, freckles— but certainly not the one that contained all the confidence. The way she walked was sure, calm, almost stoic; with her chin up. No meekness in sight. 

There was no way of telling if she was worried about her son, or just about the stain on the carpet they were walking on.

Mr Anderson looked like he was ready to fight everyone who stood in his way. That was the most Charlie was able to tell before the guy stormed into Nolan's office. 

"DALTON! Why aren't you in your room already, huh? We do have a clock in this very hallway, so don't try to use that excuse again." Hagger appeared, for all Charlie knew, out of nowhere and almost caused him to jump out of his socks. "And quit your eavesdropping!"

"I've been dropping no eaves, sir!" 

It's not like he'd hear much anyways, as much as he'd  _ want _ to. The doors to Nolan's office were some kind of Anti-Nosey-Students ones. 

"Surely. Now go to your room! You know what happens after third detention."

***

Meanwhile, the adults inside seemed like they couldn't care less about eavesdropping. 

"HOW, I'm asking, HOW could you not notice two students run away?!" Mr Perry didn't even try to keep his composure anymore.

"Thomas… I'm sure it's not their-"

"Shut up, Margaret!" Mr Perry cut his wife off, turning back to Nolan, who looked like he was ready to spontaneously combust. "It IS their fault! First this whole acting nonsense, now this-!"

"Mr Perry, I'm sure none of our employees has anything to do with this!" The principal seemed to have a lot of difficulties, trying to keep his voice neutral. "All of our teachers were handpicked by me, so there's no way-"

"What kind of >>acting nonsense<< are we talking about, actually?" Mrs Anderson asked, and unlike the men, stayed in her seat. Mr Nolan almost snapped at her air quotes. "Was he causing problems before? Because I sincerely hope it wasn't your son who dragged Todd down that path. We'd have to resolve the issue personally then."

"I'm sure Neil had to have a reason to do something like that." Answered Mrs Perry, her voice quiet, almost intimidated by Mrs Anderson. "I doubt either of them could come up with this on their own… we did meet at the beginning of the year, didn't we? And I believe both of our sons were perfectly fine back then."

"Bullshit!" Interrupted Mr Anderson, seemingly unaware of Nolan's "Mr Anderson please, there are ladies present-!"

"Both me and my wife, and you two, believe our sons are perfect angels don't we? I don't, actually, but that ain't the point. Well, since neither of them  _ could come up with it on their own _ ," he continued, putting a mocking tone on the last sentence, "then what caused it?! They wouldn't suddenly get blessed with this idea out of thin fuc- sorry darling, out of thin air, would they?"

"I actually agree with you!" Mr Perry didn't  _ look _ convinced, but believing it was something else that influenced Neil to such a step, was much easier than dealing with the fact that he might've actually done it on his own. And he wouldn't dare to accuse the other kid, because… Well. To be honest, Mr Anderson was a bit terrifying. 

"Didn't you  _ handpick _ a new teacher this year?" Asked all of a sudden Mrs Anderson. "Mr Keane?"

"Keating" corrected her Nolan, furrowing the muscles over his eyes (no eyebrow hair to be seen). "Obviously, his methods are a bit…  _ unconventional  _ but-"

"How so? Is it possible he could have something to do with the disappearance of our sons?" Mrs Anderson was merciless with her questions. 

For this one moment, every parent in the room fell silent. Four pairs of eyes, not leaving Mr Nolan's face even for a second. 

"Could you come get him so we can talk this through?" Asked Mr Perry, who without a shadow of a doubt, was ready to explode again. 

Instead of giving any actual answer, Nolan got up from his chair, and left the room. 

Before the door even closed, he could hear Mr Perry's quiet voice:

"I swear Margaret, you need to stop interrupting-"

***

John Keating knew, from the moment his day had started, that something was  _ off _ . 

The nervous atmosphere wasn't quite a good phrase anymore; the suffocating one would be more accurate. Like hot, heavy summer's day. The question of the first lighting wasn't "if" but "when".

Everyone already knew that Neil Perry and Todd Anderson had disappeared. 

John didn't know how to feel about this; it was a strange mix, really. 

On the one hand, he knew. When he saw Neil getting into his father's car, and the expressions they both had, he knew- Neil wouldn't stay with them for much longer. He just didn't know where the hit would come from. 

  
If he was completely honest with himself, he felt kind of relieved when Todd came to his room that night and demanded help. If it was left up to him, he would probably stay at school, trying to figure out all the pros and cons of that plan, and hiding the fact that he wasn’t really the confrontation type.

Truth be told, he hoped everything would come back to normality. “Hope, the mother of fools”. 

When he caught these two by the phone a few days ago? He was sure they were planning  _ something _ , the something won’t be a tea party, too. 

And there they all were. 

On the other hand, he was filled with dark thoughts. John knew these kids already, knew they were smarter than they were given credit for, but he also knew 18 is a dangerous year in life; one where you’re stupid enough to go along with your plan, but smart enough to execute it in the least suspectful way. 

Being smart while also a massive dumbass is probably every teen’s sin.    
Well. Hope might be the mother of fools, but it’s also brave ones greatest lover.

As for now, he couldn’t really do anything. He could just pray for their safety. 

Coming back to the present day; he suspected his third year students were much more aware of the situation than he was.

Coming back to his room with chamomile tea and plans to do everything in his power to not think about everything that happened, he met Principal Nolan. 

Great. There go his plans.

"Hi, Mr Nolan," said Keating, though in his head he was already planning how to run away as quickly as possible. "Do you need anything from me?"

"Yes. I actually do" was the great answer. Nolan looked, in Keatings' judgement, like he was ready to throw him into fiery pits of hell, without any regrets. "Perry's and Anderson's parents are here. They want to talk to you about what happened."

"Me?" 

"Yes. They think- well, you should hear it yourself, John. Come with me."

It became his habit pretty early in life to try to figure out his feelings when they come up. What does it mean? Why do I sometimes want to punch myself from frustration? 

Right now, after quick calculation, the results were more or less: "I'm curious and a bit panicked". 

***

Only two of those present in the room stood up to greet him. 

"Margaret Perry," the clearly younger of the two women, introduced herself, smiling apologetically. 

She looked like those small porcelain ballerinas, locked in music boxes, but also had some of the sharp lines and edges her son possessed. Mr Keating caught himself being a bit embarrassed in the presence of someone that charming. 

"Anderson." grunted the other parent. "Think we didn't have t'pleasure of meeting".

He looked sturdy, yet also soft. Like some kind of a bear. 

"John Keating, but I believe all of you gathered here already know this" a polite smile, that was hiding a lot. "Now excuse my straightforwardness, but I'd really like to know why I was called to this meeting."

"Don't even try to pretend…! Mr Keating." Snarled Mr Perry, causing John to take a step back. "We all agreed that you have something to do with Neil's runaway."

"And Todd's!" added Mrs Anderson. 

"Oh" Keating tried his hardest to not get intimidated by Mr Perry's behaviour. "While I am well aware that Neil and Todd took off, I don't exactly see what I have to do with it." The art of smooth lying really was coming in handy more than he ever  _ thought _ it would. 

"You don't?! Well, what do you want to tell us about your  _ unconventional  _ methods of teaching?"

"Yes, we thought that it may have had some kind of influence on our kids." Interrupted him Mrs Anderson. "Obviously we didn't get to hear much, but we got worried, and wanted to know what exactly does that mean. Welton Academy isn't exactly home of unconventionality, or at least we didn't think it is."

"It really isn't-!" Tried Nolan. 

Mr Keating smiled gently. 

"Oh, I know it's not. But as someone who had both experiences - inside of this school, and real world - I wanted to show my students a taste of something real. Since it's English classes, I was showing them how wonderful discovering art, and yourself, can be. Individuality as a key to happiness, and-"

"That doesn't sound that bad to me" grumbled Mr Anderson.

"Well, your obsession with all of this  _ art  _ and  _ individuality… _ this is what distracted my son from what he was supposed to focus on!" Huffed Mr Perry.

"Which is?" 

"Becoming a doctor. Finding a successful career and living a distinguished life. That were supposed to be his goals, which is why we sent him here! And you-!"

"Mr Perry, I think we all in here need a break." Interrupted him Mrs Anderson, standing from her seat, "Boris, honey, do you have cigarettes?"

"Of course!" Rumbled Anderson, patting his pockets. "C'mon Perry, my treat!"

Parents and Mr Keating left Nolan's office, with Mrs Perry and John being a few steps behind the rest.

"I am so, so sorry for my husband's behaviour!" Started Margaret, stopping the man. "I mean, he often blows up like that, but I hoped he would restrain himself a little. But, well, you know, it's about our son, and…and..."

"Of course, I understand. You know, that is just the perks of being a teacher. I also understand the worry, I can't even begin to imagine how scary this must be for you, as Neil's parent."

"Thank you, truly."

"No need to thank me, that is the least I can do to help the case. What are you going to do? They're technically not teenage runaways anymore, they're young adults."

"Well, my husband has a lot of ideas for finding him..."

"Excuse me, but what do you think? Not your husband, he vocalised quite a lot of his thoughts. I'd like to know what  _ you  _ think, Mrs Margaret." 

"Me?" She asked, clearly flustered, as she fiddled with her hands. "Well… I think bringing you into this was unnecessary. And that we should ask Neil and this other kid's friends. I, I mean! I'm glad you decided to agree to talk to us, but. I believe they would know more than you. In this topic, that is."

"I'm glad you appreciate me as a teacher, Mrs Margaret." He smiled again. Good old  _ I am not, in fact, a threat  _ method. 

"And I agree, that their little group of friends might be more useful in this case.  _ Before friends we think aloud,  _ after all. But please don't hesitate to contact me, if you'll want to discuss any other methods you think of. Or anything else, for that matter" trying his best to look as genuinely good and nice as it was possible. 

He kissed her hand (with just a little more care than a normal hand kiss should have), and walked back to his room. 

He'll need to get some more tea, too. 

He didn't even know he left poor Margaret Perry blushing and flustered. That was the first time in years someone showed as much genuine interest in her, after all. 

To be fair... She had that effect on him, too.

"Oh dear" she whispered, looking after him, as her husband was coming back from outside. 

***

Meanwhile, many miles away, in the middle of woods, Todd couldn't feel his toes anymore. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GIVE. MRS PERRY. A. LIFE  
> can you believe that in canon she doesn't even have a name??? But Mr Perry does, of course 
> 
> So I gave her a name. And it's Margaret, after my favourite artist, Margaret Keane, who ditched her abusive husband, sued him, and won LOADS of fucking money. And her paintings slap.  
> I'm not implying this is gonna happen to Margaret Perry BUT IT MIGHT.
> 
> Also Mrs Perry/Mr Keating is the only straight ship in this world I can accept.


	9. I Feel No Remorse (Heaven Help The Fool Who Falls In Love)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here, have your pining gays back. 
> 
> tw if you're squemish, there's a nosebleed happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im abandoning two essays and a test to post this shitty chapter.

Winter in Vermont and any nearby areas wasn't a kind beast. Although, at least it stopped snowing (for now), the harsh cold was still painfully biting- not cheeks, like in romantic books, but at his chin and inside his nose.

Even after hours of walking, he occasionally shuddered, and if he thought about it too much, he became weirdly aware of how he couldn't feel his toes or finger tips. 

_ It’d be sort of hilarious if I took off my shoes and my toes stayed inside. Like some twisted, gore episode of Tom and Jerry.  _

He wasn’t actually sure how much they’ve walked already; the only 100% sure thing was that they were far from town they started in; the scenery slowly shifting.

From grey, covered in the dirty, melting snow center of White Rivers. Through suburbs, singular houses far from the town, all the way to here.

They were still on the border between Vermont and New Hampshire, although you wouldn’t be able to tell without a map. 

(That’s actually funny. As children, when we first learn that states are divided, we expect the line between them to be very clear. As if the line running on the maps was supposed to be painted in real life.)

The road they were walking on now was, surprisingly, mostly clear of snow- probably due to the trees, closing above their heads. Making it look like a dark corridor. Dense trees, covered in perfectly white snow and perfectly green-brown moss. No person in sight.

It was actually the most magical thing Todd has experienced since that feral poetry assignment Mr Keating gave them. 

Can you fall in love with a place?

Even though it was cold, his legs started to ache, the sun was going down already, and he was so, so far from home… despite all of that, he didn’t feel unhappy. 

The adrenaline high with a dose of anxiety was over. Strangely enough, his frame of mind seemed strongly affected by this new place. 

The same way the scenery was changing around them, his brain stopped buzzing with ten trains of thoughts, and changed into snow-covered, muffled silence. No anxious thoughts in sight.    
Gradually, his shoulders were getting more loose. Teeth stopped gritting.    
He never noticed he was doing it, until it was too late - it was like his whole body was getting ready for a fight, except there was no fight. Like in some low-quality comedy; there’s a whole build-up for a battle, but the enemy forgets to show up.

At the very least, right now he wasn’t alone. 

They talked the most right after they left White Rivers - well, Neil talked, for which Todd was immensely thankful. He wasn’t good at small talk… or big talk. He wasn’t good in conversations in general, in his own modest opinion. He was only able to ramble.

_ What a great summary of me. Nothing specific, just mess. _

It wasn’t like Neil ignored him, though. He sometimes stopped with his talking (and, sometimes, he also stopped with walking too) to ask him something. Bastard always formed questions so it was impossible to answer in one word. 

“... You see what I mean? It’s like, I bet no bee judges another bee for how the other one is dancing. Don’t look at me like that, I’ve read that’s how they communicate… Can you imagine if you were a bee, and the other bee started judging you based on how well you dance? No, because bees have no concept of societal norms. You can’t dance badly or make honey badly.”

“I still don’t understand.” he teased. He just simply loved those rants, and how unapologetically enthusiastic Neil was about them. He wouldn’t ever say it outloud, but it was adorable, in a way. His eyes were almost twinkling in the bright, winter light. 

“My point is that arts are something we do naturally. My cousin was trying to draw a giraffe on a wall before he knew what a giraffe is! So why are we treating them like skills and something we should get grades for? Why it’s >>you have to be good at this<< instead of >>it’s something enjoyable<<?”

“I dunno. But there are people who won’t enjoy something if they’re not doing it well, you know.” reminded him gently Todd. 

“Like who? Cameron?”

“Like me.”

“...I don’t get it,” he said, stopping for a moment “Why?”

_ Because my parents can teleport here from the mist and start yelling about how useless I am. That would actually be legitimately scary. Forget  _ Tarantula.  _ It’s time for  _ Parents: Reborn.  _ Or something.  _

“I don’t know. It’s just what I learned from life, Neil. That if I don’t do something right, especially something. You know. Unrelated to school, then what’s the point in doing it? And also, if you’re not good at it, then you can’t really make a living off it, so there’s that.”

“...That’s exactly what I said about the grades though!” 

“Yeah, kind of.” was Todd’s grand answer. He went quiet for a little bit to think. “But you have to work to live semi-normal life, don’t you? I just. I don’t know, I think I’d rather work somewhere else and did my stuff afterwards. So I don’t have to stress 24/7 if I’m having enough money to not struggle to survive.” he shrugged. 

It’s not like without it he wouldn’t stress, either. But it looks like young children don’t really take anxiety into the account when making plans for the future.

“Hmpf.”

“Wha-what?” 

“You really thought this through, didn’t you?” oh.

“Well. I did. Long time ago, in fact. That was the plan, anyways - to have something I can tell my parents about and not be a disappointment anymore, but also this another thing, that I can do plainly because I want to. In my free time, I guess. It’s like- you know, I was gonna do a job to survive, and something else, maybe poetry, to live.”

“That was actually kind of poetic in itself!” 

“Oh shut up...”

“And I’m sorry that you had to resign from those plans because of me.”

_ I was doomed from the beginning anyways. _

“How many times do I have to remind you that this whole thing was technically  _ my  _ idea?” he turned around, because Neil stopped again. “Neil?”   
He caught up in two long steps, so now he was standing dangerously close to him, his face almost lighting up in a smile.    
Todd kind of expected him to say something like: “But would you go along with this plan, if you were alone?” and he was scared of this question. Mostly because he knew the answer.   
Instead, Neil just shook his head. 

“I know. But I like to think we both were needed to make this plan work. We’re like Sam and Frodo.” 

“Except we’re less likely to die at any given moment. And I hope you know that in this analogy, you’re the Frodo.”

“Of course I do!” Neil suddenly frowned, as his gaze went down, to Todd’s loosely hanging ends of a scarf. “Who was teaching you how to tie a scarf, a blind octopus?”

“Wha- I’m just not that cold…”

To his absolute- well, something between shock and delight, Neil pinched the tips of his ears. Todd could barely feel his fingers. Maybe he was cold after all. 

“Your ears look like they’re about to fall off” answered Neil.

“I don’t need you to mother me, you know?”

“Bold words for someone without an ear” he said as the scarf was being tightly wrapped around Todd’s neck and head. 

***

The sky was turning all the best shades of orange and pink when they stopped again; right where there was a path, leading into the depths of the forest.    
“Look, a sign!” Neil called, reaching out towards a big, plastic, arrow-shaped sign. “Oh god, gross…”    
Todd turned to him.   
“What is?”

Neil showed him gloved hand, now covered in something wet and grimey. Whatever was gathered under all that snow, hadn’t been touched in months.    
“Okay, but what’s on the sign?”

“Benny and Betty, summer houses” read Neil outloud, while cleaning his glove in the snow. “Though it doesn’t seem like Benny and Betty have been around much, lately.”   
“They weren’t here when the season was still going on, either.” answered Todd. “My parents stopped here to ask for directions in September. I doubt anyone’s gonna be here now.”

“Are we going, then?”   
“I guess we have no other options… although I’m pretty sure this is gonna be illegal as hell.”

“I think freezing outside is more illegal. And I don’t wanna get eaten by a bear. Or a moose. They’re gonna fine us for poisoning wildlife. And-”

“Okay, I get it, you want inside!” Todd snorted, and it sounded more like a beginning of a nasty cough. “Let’s go.”

The path here was much more difficult than it’s been before. It was getting dark, so they could only see the black silhouettes of trees, rocks, and each other. The snow was almost knees deep and looked mostly untouched, and for their tired legs, it was a torture; after walking in the cold most of the day, Todd’s muscles felt cold and sore, and his bones heavy.   
His head was being swarmed with worry, again. 

_ What if the houses aren’t even standing anymore? What if we lost our way? How are we going to get in? What if, what if, what if… _

All of those concerns went unspoken, though. It wasn’t even about not worrying Neil. He was just exhausted.    
He didn’t even have the strength to panic about the fact they were holding hands, to not lose each other in the snow and dark.

“I see them!” exclaimed Neil. He probably thought he was being loud, but Todd didn’t even really react.    
There they were, indeed. Small, most of them on thick, wooden beams, looking like some insanely big bugs. In the close distance, the sound of running water was audible. The boys stopped on the porch of the nearest house, their bags having a first class meeting with the floor.    
They exchanged looks, somehow communicating the exact same thing: what now?

“Okay,” said Neil, rubbing his eyes with palms, “okay okay okay. There aren't that many of them, but I’m… fifty percent positive that at least one has to be open. We just gotta check them all. Easy-peasy.”

Todd nodded, silently. 

“I’m gonna check those four,” added Neil, his leadership instincts kicking in, “and you check this one, and other three, okay?”

Nod. 

The doors were locked, obviously. He tried opening them by force- no result. It was like running head first into a brick wall. Some solid fucking doors they were, unfortunately.  _ What about windows? _ _   
_ Windows were also shut, but it was a good trail to go by- it’s much more likely that someone left a window open, than doors, after all. He never understood why his father was getting so angry when one of them left a stupid window not locked when they were leaving the house, but now it kind of made sense.    
And someone’s stupid mistake might make their lives easier. 

The furthest house didn’t have a door at all, and the inside stank of moisture and… something else. He didn’t want to find out, but he guessed that there had to be someone else here, a long while ago. The ashes from the fireplace have been scattered around the whole main room.    
Out of the question. They needed somewhere more or less dry, to be warm. 

Third and fourth houses were also tightly shut, but while peeking inside each, he noticed that in every single one there’s a fireplace. That was good. 

When he came back to their starting location, Neil was already there.   
“Did you find something?” asked Neil, trying - and failing - to keep the yawn in. 

“They’re all shut, doors and windows. Except one, where doors have been… kicked in? somehow?”

“Windows...!” mumbled Neil, getting back up, and running, as much as he could at least, back to his checkpoints. Apparently he didn’t think about this. Todd decided to just wait for him.

***

“Todd!” a yell came to him just as he started nodding off. Todd basically jumped to his feet, and Neil yelped again; “Todd, c’mon!”

He started to get through the snow, when he suddenly felt the same way as you do, when you miss a step, or push yourself too hard on the balancing chair. His stomach dropped a little, and before he knew, he was laying face first on the ground, his nose throbbing weirdly. Without second thoughts, he got up and ran again. 

Neil was standing at the back of one of the houses, looking up with a proud smile on his face. 

“This one’s open, see? But I can’t reach it,” he was saying, gesticulating towards one of the windows. “One of us has to leg the other up, so we can open the other and get in. Show me your hand” he asked, already grabbing Todd by the wrist, and measuring them. 

“What are you-”

“Shush, I’m checking… okay, mine is a bit thinner. Can you push me up so I can reach the window?” 

Todd shrugged, tangling his fingers together already. 

He could feel himself slowly bog into the snow, as Neil started to tinker with the windows. He wasn’t that heavy - or maybe it was Todd who wasn’t that weak? It was hard to tell for sure. 

“And… viola! Can you put me down now?”

“Aren’t we supposed to get in?”

“We need to get our stuff first, Sherlock.”

  
Hopefully he will still have toes, after all.

***

Where’s his lighter?   
Well, technically it wasn’t  _ his _ . He borrowed it from Pitts, during one of their Society meetings, but it didn’t make the fact that now he couldn’t find it any better. 

  
While he was looking for his lost, Todd was preparing them for the night. Almost blindly gathering blankets and pillows and putting them near the fireplace, in which there was already laying their kindling. Some papers, a loose piece of coal that was already there, and chopped wood they found by one of the houses.    
It took them a while to throw inside both their belongings and wood. It was already completely dark outside. 

“Finally,” Neil sighed, as his burrowing hand met something cold and metal at the literal bottom of the backpack. 

Soon enough, the room was flooded in warm light. 

“Are you hungry?” asked Todd, sitting down and covering himself in a blanket. “I think guys got us some soup in one of the cans…” It was only then when Neil could have a proper look at his face, and holy shit, he couldn’t hold in a gasp. “What?” he looked up at Neil, frowning. 

There was smudged blood under his nose and all over his cheek - some of it seemed still fresh, some already congealed. He looked awful. 

“Jesus, Todd... “ murmured Neil, crouching by him and wiping some of the blood off him, and showed it to him. 

“Oh shit.” was his answer. 

“Don’t move from here, okay? I’ll get- I’ll get stuff.”

  
“Stuff?” but Neil was already back on his feet, frantically searching for something in the pockets of their coats. He came back with bottled water and tissues, and sat back down, right by Todd’s side. 

“Don’t move,” he said in a low voice, holding him by the chin. Todd was trying his hardest not to stare as Neil carefully wiped blood from his cheek. “How did you even do that…”

As un-movingly as he was capable of, Todd shrugged. “I-I dunno. I had to hit myself when we were checking out the houses. I fell down at some point.”

“How does it feel?”

“Now? Worse. It was - it was better when I actually couldn’t feel my nose. Now it’s just sort of, coming back to me in waves.”

“At least you stopped bleeding.” Todd sniffed and grimaced. 

“Still hurts, tho.” he shuddered. 

There was nothing they could do about that, especially now. Neil tossed bloody tissues into the fire, and Todd let out a throaty laugh.    
“It’s like we’re sacrificing something to the gods. People did that at - yawn - at some point. Oh lords, heal my nose…”

“You should really go to sleep.”

“What about you?”

“I don’t have anyone to tell me to go to sleep.”

“Neil, you should go to sleep.”

“That’s true.”

**Author's Note:**

> comments make me cry from happiness.


End file.
